control

its 5:55am. i am wide awake. my heart is pounding so hard it feels like its going to explode out of my chest. for a moment there i think i am going to die. then the rational side of my brain kicks in and i talk myself out of it. remembering that its just a panic attack. i am not going to die. i focus on my breathing and eventually my heart slows down a bit. it was my 4th one in the last month so i am getting pretty good at calming myself down. although that tight iron band that grips my chest continues to stay with me day after day. and i hate that i am not in control of this. i am starting to think that i need to get to the doctors and i hate the doctors. i never take medicine. in fact i make it my mission in life to never go. i can go years without going to one. but clearly my body along with everything else is out of my control. and this frustrates me to no end. part of me is mad at myself. i feel so pathetic, so weak, so out of control. it makes no sense to me. God and i are good so why am i suffering with anxiety? i trust God, i hear His voice, feel His presence, know His love and care for me. so why this? and whenever ever i share my concern with a friend they seem to think that i am not trusting God, that i must be fighting Him or that i really haven't surrendered to Him. how can i explain that it is not true. i am in a new and wonderful place with God and yet He is choosing to teach me that even my body is in His control and not mine. God is literally taking everything out my control including my health right now. in His control and thankful for:

* God's mercies that are new every morning!

* seeing my friend dave this weekend- its been 4 years!!!

* the love and encouragement of friends this week :)

please just keep praying for me and my circumstances. please also pray for my health and the wisdom to know if i really need to get to the doctors or that this will just pass on its own. pray that i keep relying on God for my ultimate strength and comfort.