surrendered

i love to plan. i have plan for the next year, some five year goals and a few life goals. and i plan my life accordingly. i feel its important not to go through life haphazardly and i want a life that makes the most of every opportunity. i desire to live a wise life and so i try to plan with God's ultimate will and pleasure at the forefront. so when i say that most of 2009 was already planned down to the last month i do not exaggerate. but nor did i make those plans without prayer or considering God's direction on my life and ministry. and these last two weeks i was taken to a new place by God. i came to the place of absolute and complete surrender. forced would be more like it. because right now almost nothing in my life is under my control. i cannot plan because there are too many unknowns, too many details that are not answered and will not be in the foreseeable future. my life is not my own. and i have a choice. i can fight God in this and His ultimate plan or i can be surrendered to Him. i can either seek to find answers and make meaning out of nothing, causing my head to hurt in the process or i can accept that i do not know God's plan, trust that He cares for me and that this is for my best. it is not easy or without pain. it needs to be taken back to God everyday. surrendering again and again. surrendered but thankful for:

* that when we are tried and tested we will come forth as gold!

* getting to spend my birthday with a good portion of my friends- i felt so loved :)

* God's traveling mercies between all the snow and heightened security!

thank you for praying and standing in the gap with me. while i'm not really sure what i feel most of the time and i am glad to be here for my cousins wedding this weekend. this is really important to my family and the pleasure of seeing them and celebrating with them is easing the pain of my departure. please keep praying for me as i have quite a lot of work on for next week- some of which will be easier because i am in the US and other bits will be more of a challenge to get accomplished.

just a few of the reasons it was so hard to leave . . .